How to Launch Your Product — Unsuccessfully!

Ex-boyfriend shirtEven before you begin producing your new product line, you’ll want to be sure you put some time thinking about how to launch your product unsuccessfully. After all, if you’re going to spend the next month working on a killer design, you want to be sure it flops when you market your product.

Follow these steps to learn how to launch your product in a way that guarantees it'll go nowhere.

Don’t schedule your launch. This will make things so much simpler because you won’t have to follow deadlines and no one will know when you’ll actually release your product. Customers hate to be kept guessing so take your time when you market your product. Heck, you could even wait until next year.

Don’t write about it on your blog. Seeing in-progress shots and getting little hints about something new only makes customers anxious to buy, which equals a failure for you. Keep their interest to the bare minimum, right around the level of watching dust land, when you market your product.

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Don’t contact high-up, target market blogs weeks beforehand to see if you can land a guest post or feature, when considering how to launch your project. After all, that coverage would lead to sales and you want to flop, not succeed. Plus, writing for other blogs takes time and energy and guts, all of which you don’t possess.

Don’t come up with a catchy name for the product line. Go for an easy-to-forget title when you market your product, or just don’t name it at all. People can’t buy what they can’t recall later. Do you remember ‘Pizza My Dear’? Neither do I, and that’s because they ran the best unsuccessful launch in years.

Do buy the ugliest packaging you can find. Just in case someone defies your intent and actually buys something, you want to make sure they don’t do it again. I suggest dirty newspapers and used Walmart bags. For added fragrance, you can always throw in a few cigarette butts.

Don’t put out a newsletter to help market your product. The people who sign up for your mailing list actually want to hear from you and thus they have the greatest potential to sabotage your unsuccessful launch. Under no circumstances should you excite this crowd.

Don’t offer any discounts. People love a good deal. Heck, they even love bad deals so long as they come with fancy coupons and teeny tiny lettering that they can’t read (because if they could they’d know how bad of a deal it is). To hold off a wave of frantic, coupon-waving customers, sell your product at full price.

Don’t do a giveaway on your blog. Like coupons, people go crazy for giveaways. By not doing one, you avoid a surge in views and keep excitement low.

Don’t share it on your social networking platforms. Facebook and Twitter are the downfall of an unsuccessful launch. Avoid them at all costs when you market your product!

Now you know all the secrets of how to launch your product in a way that spells failure. I wish you luck with your flop!

(Note: I take no responsibility for any results that occur when people actually follow the advice listed above.)

photo: “Cute Alliums” T-shirt by Ex-Boyfriend: clothing that starts conversations

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Comments

Melisa Baker

Smarty pants! Great article ; ) I have followed all of those at one time or another, either way.

Yofi

Attractive title, give us inspiration about our marketing

2sistershandcrafted

Very clever! You had me hooked and your ideas are great! Good way to KISS. Thanks ;)

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